Celebrity Quotes

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Rosanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -- Jay Leno

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines.
They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."" -- Elayne Boosler

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Jay Leno

"The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis." --Conan O'Brien

"Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in." -- Rita Rudner

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." -- Lewis Grizzard

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -- Jeff Foxworthy

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.

'You know, ' said the doctor, 'you really have to learn to trust me.'

There was a Chinese father who was very close to his son. They used to go everywhere together including looking for "chicken" (Chinese slang for prostitute).

One day, the son decided to go overseas for study. The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him, "We cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it.

But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not suspect."

So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from the son......(shooting bird - $500). Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than $1000.

Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son. "Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one."

A month later, the father received another bill from his son. On it he had written:

Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000

Four nuns are waiting to get to heaven. The first nun approaches the gate and God asks her if she has anything to declare,
she says "Yes, I once saw a mans penis."
God says "Go wash your eyes in the Holy Fountain and enter the gates of Heaven.
The second nun approaches, and God asks if she has anything to declare, and the nun says "Yes I once touched a mans penis."
God says "Go wash your hands in the Holy Fountain and enter the gates the heaven."
The third and fourth nun start arguing, and when God asks what's wrong, the third nun says, "I want to gargle in the Holy Fountainfirst before she sticks her ass in it."

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

Two friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!". The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!". So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor. "Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friends says. "It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out." .The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?" ,the other friends replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"

A newly married couple had moved in their first house. The following morning, the wife was cooking breakfast when her husband interrupted her by asking what she's doing. She replied "I'm making breakfast". The husband said "Oh no honey, we don't need that. We're going to live on Love alone". He pushes the plates and forks off the table, lays her on top and proceeds to "eat" her. They were both satisfied. Noontime came and the husband saw his wife cooking. He asked what she was doing and she replied "I'm making lunch". He said "Oh no honey, we don't need that, we're going to live on Love alone". He lays her on top of the table and proceeds to "eat" her. They were both satisfied. Evening came and the husband saw his wife running up the stairs and sliding down the banister repeatedly. He asked her what she was doing. She replied "I'm warming up dinner".

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?

The husband laughs and says: * An English girl The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: So, honey, how was the trip? Very good, thank you And, what happened to my present? Which present?

What I asked for: the English girl?! Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl!!!

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom of the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds. After a long wait, the family ate without them.

The mother said, I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..."
"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.

At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never ame down to eat?"
Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up.

At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mothers once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..."
"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily.
"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"