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    Expert:
    An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.



    A Mother's Dictionary

    AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

    DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

    FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

    FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him/her.

    GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

    IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

    INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

    OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

    PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

    SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

    STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. (Boy, ain't that the truth!)

    TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

    TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and he/she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

    VERBALIZE: able to whine in words.

    WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

    WEEKEND: when Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

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